Looking at the world today, I realize that we have become a... "soft" people. America has done all it can to protect its children that parents are so afraid of disciplining their own children that they grow up spoiled, whiny, self-righteous little shits that are in a dire need of an ass-beating. They have never been spanked or whatever, and they believe they can get away with anything. I have a brilliant idea that I would like to propose to America as far as it comes to disciplining your children: Take a watermelon. ...Scratch that, a Pumpkin. Take a good sized pumpkin, none of those midget-sized little shits, Those things are just ridiculous. You can barely carve into them, so people usually just use a sharpie, and isn't the whole purpose of getting the pumpkin to practice cutting up someone's face with a knife? No? just me? Uh... right, back to the idea then. Take that pumpkin, set it upon your lap, take off your belt, and beat the shit out of the pumpkin for.... two minutes, that's all. Do this once a day, for seven days. If on the seventh and final day, the pumpkin has burst, you are qualified to have a child. Eh? now, I know what some of you might say, "I don't need seven days to break the pumpkin, I can do it in one minute." well, then you clearly are not fit to be a parent. We can't have you killing the poor brat. The pumpkin must break, but by limiting the duration of the beatings to one week's worth, the parent-to-be will learn the exact amount of force and restraint to use when beating their child without going overboard or being too light.